Falling into oblivion
by CandyCake14
Summary: The weight of everything is collapsing on Ed, after all no one can go through so much trauma without having some adverse effects. He's breaking but he can't show anyone, not with his pride intact anyways
1. Chapter 1

Another nightmare. Dark hands encircling me, pulling me into a somehow even darker abyss. The faces of those I failed, contorting to scream harsh, unforgiving words to me. _You're fault. Mistake. Killer. No one loves you. Monster. __**Why haven't you fixed us yet?**_ Another hazy image shortly coming to focus. Chestnut hair, a warm smile. My savior. I reach out to grab their hand. My fingers wrap around their wrist, holding onto my last piece of sanity. She warps. No. No! This isn't fair! She wouldn't hurt me like this. She promised she wouldn't. She promised!

_ Ed. _A sob breaks from my throat. _Why didn't you help me. _The warm light became darkness in a humanoid shape, broken on the ground, surrounded by blood. It smiled menacingly, allowing a grotesque laugh to pass between it's rotting teeth. _You killed me a second time. _It reached out to touch my face, stopping before it made contact. _Are you proud of yourself, my beloved son? _The thing looked up at my hand, still grasping it's wrist. It's eyes met mine, and it's arm started crumbling to dust. _No. No Ed. Edward! Why do you still torture me? Three times. Three times you've killed me now! You murderer! Save me. Save me this one time. Don't let me- _It crumbled to the dust from which it formed. I bite my lip, trying to stop the sobs from escaping my mouth. Every word it said was right. I killed it. I killed her. Her blood was on my hands. I failed to save her. I'm sorry mom sorry sorry. I couldn't do anything. I am so sorry. I fall to my knees. My fault. All my fault. A wet nose nuzzled my hand.

My tear filled eyes met with the lonely gaze of a dog. No, not a dog. A chimera, Nina and Alexander. I failed them too. I let Scar kill them. I wasn't there to stop him. Why wasn't I there? I should've- _Big brother._ I can't breathe. I don't have the strength to do this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry. _Big brother. Why did you let him kill me? Why didn't you stop him? Do you hate me that much,... big brother? _No! No, I don't hate you! I could never hate you! I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I tried, I tried so hard. I wanted to save you. I want to save you. My hands came together of their own volition but there was nothing. No alchemic spark. _I thought you were going to save me with that alchemy. You know, alchemy is what made me like this. You're the same. You use the same power that turned me into a monster; you won't even use that power to save me. _No! This isn't happening. I'm trying. Nina please. Please don't hate me. She and Alexander's combined body turned from me. _You should have been the one to die._ Her form retreated, leaving only the deep pit of regret and guilt inside me. There was no time to recover before armored steps echoed behind me.

No! I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to recover. I wouldn't be able to survive if he hated me too. He was the only one I had left. What would I do without him. He's the only reason i'm still alive. Al, my little brother, why would you hurt me like this? Why are you doing this? What did I do to-? He hates me. The realization suddenly dawned on me. You hate me for putting you in that suit of armor. I took away your body. I deserve your hatred. I should be the one in the armor. I took away your ability to feel, to live. I'm sorry. I know it should be me in the armor. My soul in the chimera. My body deceased from the sickness that robbed mom of her strength. I'm sorry. I know it's all my fault. Please don't hate me Al. I won't be able to come back from that. It will hurt to much. Please, no. No! Al, No! Please don't hate me. I'm sorry, so sorry. I looked down at my hands covered in the blood of so many innocent people. I caused it. I caused all this pain. I'll cause more pain if I keep on living. Kill me. You can...kill me. It's okay. I don't deserve to live as your brother. I'm not worthy of you. Just do it. End the suffering I force on all the people who know me. Just end all of it. Please Al. I can't do this anymore. A dark, cynical laugh echoes in my ears.

_Oh brother, you're finally realizing the truth. What you did to all those people; what you did to me. Now you finally know how many people you've failed. Don't you feel better now that you're not so ignorant. After all, it's your fault I'm stuck in this armor. It's time you paid for your sins. _No, this couldn't be Al. He would never say such mean things. He was nice and caring. He didn't have a mean bone in his body. This couldn't be him. It just couldn't._ It's your fault. Why haven't you fixed me yet? You don't care about me. That's what it is, isn't it!? _

No, No! That wasn't it at all. Al, I do care. I care so much. I promised I'm going to get your body back. Just wait a little longer. Just a little! Al started walking away, but he stopped to look back at me. _I hate you. You're not my brother._ My breath came in short gasps; my body trembled in fear. He hates me, he said so himself. He was leaving me. What have I done? I'm such a horrible person. He's right to hate me, so is everyone else. I don't deserve any love. I only need to rot in the deepest pits of Hell. No one should be around a hideous creature like me. I need to die; then no one else will suffer. The world would be a better place without me in it.

I start scratching at my arms, drawing blood. _Brother. _I scratch again, using more force. Drawing more blood. This is what I deserved. I was a monster, and monsters needed to be exterminated no matter what. _Brother_! I rolled my eyes. Even now, my brain was trying to pretend Al was still here. How stupid. He hated me. I would never see him again. I'm the reason he's sad all the time. _Brother please! Please, wake up! _He was begging now. That's not right. I should be the one begging him. He should have the world. _You need to wake up please. Brother, you're hurting yourself. If you don't get up right now, I swear to god I'll get Mustang over here! _Yeah Al, I know you want me to get up, but why should I. Even that pompous bastard Mustang would be better off without me. How much do I irritate him everyday anyways? He'd be glad if I was gone. He doesn't really want me coming back. No one does. A harsh jostling broke me out of my thoughts. What a waste. More time that could've been spent on something more important. Who in the would would want me up so much anyways. So annoying.

_Fullmetal. _That sounded like the colonel bastard. What did he want. The jerk acts like he owns me. _Fullmetal get up right now. That's an order. _Stupid jerk, I'm not getting up, I don't need to poison anymore of the world. Where does he get off, ordering me around while I'm dreaming any-...dreaming? Was I dreaming? It doesn't seem like it, but maybe. If I was dreaming, does that mean they don't hate me? No, that's wrong. Alive, dead, real, fake, they all still hate me. It didn't make a difference. _Fullmetal I swear to god, I'll court-martial you! _Court-martial. No! I need the money. I needed to get Al's body back even if he didn't go with me while I searched. I can't get kicked out of the military before I get his body back. I could never abandon Al like that. I can't leave my little brother alone.

I felt my eyes open, burning my retinas with the brightness. Though blurry, I could see the fuzzy outline of Al and Mustang standing over me. They both looked concerned, but relieved to see me up. What a waste, they didn't need to waste their concern on me. I didn't need it. It was now I realized that my arms were restrained to my side. They throbbed like I had just worked out for hours or I had just gotten hurt.

I glared at Mustang, ready to yell at him. What in the hell did he want, holding me down like this? Stupid, pompous, bastard. I opened my mouth to yell at him, but he beat me to the punch.

"What the hell was that, Fullmetal!" Mustang looks pissed. I'm having trouble just meeting his eyes with the expression he showed. I don't want to answer him; he's going to be angry at me, and I don't need to tell him anything anyways. It's not any of his business. I avert my gaze from him, trying to ignore him.

"You were sweating, crying, and just scratching at your damn arm in your sleep! Alphonse had to call me cause you wouldn't wake up! Now tell me what the hell you were dreaming about so I can figure out how to help you!" I bite my lip and try not to show my anxiety. Help me, as if. He doesn't want to help me. If he knew, he'd hate me. God, I hated this. Why'd I have to go and make that mistake anyways? Everyone around me was getting dragged into it too. Fuck, my eyes are tearing up. Dammit! Even if it was an act, Mustang being this nice made me feel warm, almost like when mom would take care of me. Mustang released my arms and helped me sit up, thankfully not mentioning my wet eyes or the few tears that managed to escape.

He grabbed my hand and offered me a worried gaze. "Fullme- Edward, please tell me what's wrong." His tone was soft; it made my chest twist and hurt in a way that made me feel guilty. I can't tell him. My gaze flickered toward Al. Even though he was in armor, I could still tell he was worried. His red eyes met mine, but I couldn't keep looking. He'd definitely hate me if he knew what was going on in my mind. There was no way I could tell him and still have a brother afterwards.

Mustang gestured to Al to leave the room. He looked like he wanted to argue, but left without saying anything. He took one last glance at me, and the door shut softly behind him. When the door closed, Mustang turned towards me. He looked caring, but resolute in getting answers out of me.

"Alright Ed, Alphonse is gone, tell me what happened while I bandage your arm." My brows furrowed in confusion. My arm? What happened to it? I don't remember hurting it. I looked down. It was bleeding. It didn't look very good, but the cuts were already starting to scab over. I don't get why Mustang feels the need to fix me. It probably wouldn't do any good to argue with him right now, I'd lose.

As he wrapped white bandages around my arm after cleaning it, he looked up at me expectantly. I swallow loudly. I really don't want to tell him, but it doesn't seem like I can get out of this. I sigh. This is going to suck.

"My mistakes; the people I couldn't save. That's what the nightmare was about." I know that's not enough to satisfy him, but I can't tell him the entire thing. I don't need him to think that I'm weaker than he's already seen. I can't afford to be weak. Not when I need to get Al's body back to him as soon as possible.

Mustang sighed. This isn't going to end well. I could already tell. "I need all the details Fullmetal. I have to know what happened entirely in this nightmare." He sounded annoyed. Yeah, he was definitely annoyed. He was only doing this out of some sense of duty. He's just obligated since I'm his subordinate. I won't cave. Not for someone who doesn't really care. I'm not so weak that I need pity from someone in charge of me.

"Edward, please just tell me. I need to know." I ripped my arm from his grip and turned away from him. I will not cave. I can't. I'm going to be strong...for Al. I have to be strong so he can have at least some semblance of childhood innocence left. I want to preserve at least some of it. My body was starting to shake; I could feel the nausea rising up from my stomach, making it hard to breath. Was my heart supposed to beat this fast? I don't know. Mustang was calling me but he seemed so far away and garbled as if he were underwater.

"Fullmetal get a hold of yourself! You will tell me what's going on. God Dammit! Don't make my job harder than it needs to be!" The world went quiet. White noise rang in my ears. It felt like all my senses turned off. I just stared, I couldn't register anything. He was right. I was making his job harder. I'm a burden. I'm burdening him with my problems, with my mistakes. What was wrong with me? I'm such a horrible person. God, I don't deserve to be near him, near anybody. I bury my face in my hands. I should just leave. Yeah, I would do that. Then I couldn't be a burden. I stood up. I didn't bother answering Mustang. He should be glad I was leaving. My hand touched the doorknob and my heart felt like it was cracking. I need to say something, anything. At the very least, I need to say goodbye. A drop of water hit my wrist.

Oh, I was crying. I didn't even realize. I'm not going to bother trying to stop. This is the last time he's going to see my anyways. It doesn't matter if he sees my weak side now. "Goodbye, I'm sorry I was such a burden on you." I started sobbing, I can't hold anything in anymore. Everything hurts but I still run out the military dorm. I run past Al, I run from Mustang, I run from all of it. Just like I ran from Resembool after our mistake.


	2. Chapter 2

The buildings passed by me in a blur. I wasn't sure where I was going, but I had to get away from everything. It was all too much. Too much noise, too many words, too much feelings. I can't deal with this. It just hurts. I don't want it to be like this anymore. Maybe I'll go back after I calm down, then I can explain. Yeah. I can do that. Plus Mustang didn't really care anyways. My heart twitched painfully. He doesn't care so he probably won't bring up my breakdown. Yeah! All I have to do is act like I normally do and it'll be like nothing ever happened. It'll all be back to normal. Yeah,. . . normal.

I slowed down to a walk. What even was normal anymore? Was normal the calm tranquility of when mom was still alive, when Alphonse still had his body? Or was it adventuring and trying desperately to find the philosophers stone? Then again, it could also be the crushing weight I carry around that will never leave me alone. I don't know anymore. I don't know who I am. Sure, I was the greatest state alchemist ever, the youngest; that was what I was known by. How much of that was really me though? What part of my life was the real me? Everything feels like a facade, just a bunch of fake reactions, fake concern. It was always the same deal.

I wonder if Al feels like this sometimes. I doubt it. He's more human than me even while trapped in a suit of armor. I shook my head and shut my eyes tightly. This isn't the time for this. I have other things to worry about. Al is more important, getting his body back comes first. Whatever . . . this is, it can wait. Everything can wait until Al is better. I opened my eyes. The sun was covered by clouds, it looked like it was about to rain. I should probably get back to my room. My arm and leg were already starting to ache in pulses. My stomach twisted uncomfortably in my gut. Here I was complaining about a few pains, but my baby brother couldn't feel anything at all. Compared to that, this was nothing. I rushed back to the dorm. Hopefully by the time I get there, Mustang would be gone. I don't want to deal with him anymore, especially not when he saw me crying like a little kid.

Oh well, I can't just avoid him forever. I might as well get this over with. This is gonna suck. I began the walk back to the dorm, my hands bunched up in my pockets, staring down at the ground. Actually, maybe instead... I could just hide forever. Just find my own little nook and hide underneath a blanket until the sun goes away. Yeah. That sounds like a good idea, best idea I've ever had. I should do that. I'm going too.

I turned around and began to walk in the opposite direction. Now, where would be a good place to hide. An alley would be easiest but those are dirty. Nina appeared in my mind in a flash, and I shook my head. No. Too many memories there. Better to avoid those. I could withdraw a bunch of money and stay in a hotel, but then it'd be really easy for anyone to find me. Maybe it could be under the radar though. I'm sure some person would be willing to not file it if they were given enough money. I shook my head, I shouldn't even be considering getting someone else involved with me. It never ended well. So where else could I go?

There was always the Hughes house, or maybe the offices, but people would know if I showed up. I guess I do have to go back to the dorms. Gross. Guess it's time to go face the music. I couldn't exactly leave Alphonse anyways. He needed, no I need him. Sighing, I continued my walk. If Mustang was there, so be it. I would deal with it when the time came. I'm tired.

When I stepped into my room, a hand clasped around my wrist and dragged me in. I tried to yank it away, but the other person was unrelenting. Crossing the threshold of the door, they threw me down onto the couch and held my arms down. It felt..familiar. I looked up and saw Mustang. His hair was disheveled and his brows were furrowed. What's wrong with him? He couldn't have worried that much, I was only gone for..I don't know, but it probably wasn't too long. He was worrying for nothing. It's not like I couldn't take care of myself.

"Edward, you idiot!" Oh, he called me by my name. Why? Maybe I just pushed him past his normal anger. Yeah, makes sense, i did leave. I stared at him, waiting for him to continue. I figured this would happen. Might as well just wait for him to run out of steam. Wait. I stared deeper into Mustang's onyx eyes. They were filled with crystalline tears. I wonder why. He had no reason to be sad. Upset sure, but why would he be sad? It didn't make any sense.

"You just..." Mustang took in a deep breath, closing his eyes and clearing them of any water. I was almost sad to see them go. It was the most emotion I had ever seen from him. His grip on my wrists weakened. "You left and we had no idea where you went." I nodded. i knew he'd be upset about that, but the tears. "You can't leave after us seeing you like that. We had no idea if you were okay, or if you were going to come back. Do you have any idea how worried I-" he trailed off. "How worried Alphonse was?"

What was going on? Mustang almost said he was worried. That didn't make sense. I was just his subordinate, not a friend or even a comrade. God, why did he have to choose now of all times to be confusing? It's making my head hurt. Oh right, Mustang probably wants me to say something; he's staring again.

What did he even want me to say though? There isn't really anything I can do to change the fact that I had run away. I can't change the past.

"Sorry" I ended up muttering. It was the only thing I could think of that would fit. Oh, Mustang was mad again. Oops. I guess that isn't what he wanted to hear. My head whipped to the side and my cheek flared in pain. What? It took me a few seconds to register what had happened. He had slapped me. Mustang just..hit me. Wow. I really pissed him off this time. He had never actually hit me before. I suppose it was just a matter of time though.

"You-" Mustang growled out. "Is that really all you can say? You've been gone for hours, Fullmetal!" Have I though? It didn't seem like it had been that long. I could've sworn it had only been minutes. "Where did you even go!? I had the team go out looking for you along with Alphonse and me and we couldn't find you! For all we knew, you could've been dead in a ditch. The others are still out searching for you. It was only luck that I was here when you came in" I see.

He's angry because he had to get everyone to search for me instead of working. They would probably get behind on work and have to work overtime. But still, it wasn't the first time they had to work extra. Was it really that important to Mustang for him to hit me over it? My heart twisted painfully. I guess it was.

I stared at the wall just behind Mustang's head. "I'm sorry sir. I'll apologize to everyone next time I see them. I'll help with any work you've gotten behind on too because of my actions." I walked away. I had reports to write.


	3. Chapter 3

I heard Mustang swear as I walked out the door. I didn't stop though. It didn't matter. I'd talk to him more after he cooled off. I can't deal with anything right now, much less an angry pyromaniac. Maybe I should give him something later to make up for it. Yeah, I can at least do that. I'd rather bite off my thumb then actually apologize, but a gift. That's much more doable.

As I reached the end of the block, I heard yelling come from behind me. It sounded like the person I just walked away from. Great. That's exactly what I didn't want to deal with. Even before I completely turned around, I felt his fingers close around my flesh arm, digging into the skin turning it red. How fun; the slight pain feels familiar after all this time.

"Fullmetal, what is your problem!?" Mustang screamed in my face. My ears started to ring and I gritted my teeth. I fully knew I had a bunch of problems, I didn't need him to point that out. The real question is, which one was he referring too? Eh, he'd probably tell me anyone, or actually yell since he seems to like doing that.

Mustang growled and his grip around my arm tightened. I guess he doesn't like not being answered. Oh well, I have bigger issues than that. "You're going to walk with me back to your dorm and you're going to explain what the hell is going on with you. You are my subordinate and I have to ensure your safety!" I rolled my eyes. Of course, that's all it is. That's all it'll ever be. He's obligated to me.

"It's fine, sir. You can go back to whatever you were doing before. Nothing's wrong." Usually I would go out of my way to be a jerk to him, but what's the point of that? Really what's the point of anything anymore? It's all empty. I tried pulling my hand away, but Mustang held tight. Apparently he really didn't like me right now, but was that any different than normal?

"There is obviously something wrong, or you wouldn't be tearing up your own arms!" Mustang ran his free hand through his hair and let out a breath. "Look, how about this, you tell me why you're being like this and I'll let you know something I found about the philosophers stone." Oh, he was upset. I guess I should find out what he knows. It is supposed to be part of my goal right now. Doesn't feel that important anymore to me though.

I just nodded and followed along as he dragged me back up to the room I had just left. Even just walking back there felt like it was draining all of my energy, not that there was much of that to begin with. I let my body collapse on the couch and slumped over, Mustang sat next to me, staring expectantly.

I stared at him, meeting his eyes. They were blank as usual. I don't know what I was expecting to see there, I guess it doesn't really matter. Why do I feel so disappointed though. I dropped my head, staring down at my legs.

Shaking my head, I let my hair fall in front of my face. "I have no idea what you want me to say." I heard Mustang sigh and felt him shuffle around. A hand fell on my shoulder, making me jump. I looked at him, eyes wide. He looked at me. A minute passed, nothing was said.

"When I was in Ishgar, it..." He let out a dark chuckle. "Well best way to put it is it was hell. There were screams everywhere, scared children crying for their mothers, bodies lining every street. I was there in the middle of it all, burning anything that moved. At one point, there was this kid, around your age. He was trapped in a building, I could've let him go." Mustang swallowed heavily, his hands clasped together, shaking. "I had my orders though. No survivors. I snapped and...he was gone. Just another body on my list of murders." He looked at me, sorrowful. "He was about your age I'd guess. Doesn't really make a difference now though. What's done is done."

He didn't say anything. The silence laid thick between us. Why was he telling me this? What did he want? I wasn't sure anymore. I thought he'd just wanted explanations, but that. What would he have to gain from telling me that? I realized he was waiting for me to say something.

"You were doing what your country needed. It wasn't-" He cut me off with a harsh, wet-sounding laugh.

"Wasn't my fault. Sure. I wasn't the one who charred that kid, it was the country. No country is so desperate that it needs to kill children. There's no excuse for that. I made the choice to follow that order. It was the wrong one." Mustang grimaced. "What I'm trying to get at is there are things everyone has experienced that aren't that great. You can either move on or let it control you until you fall apart. You're on the way to falling apart, and I'm trying to stop that from happening. I've seen too many soldiers lose their life that way, and I don't want to see it happen to you. So talk, about anything that you can't get out of your head. It's the better option."

I'm not really sure what to say to that. I knew Mustang had some issues, everyone does. But to be so open about it is hard. I guess I'll have to do the same. It's equivalent exchange." I found something I hadn't felt in a long time. Determination.


End file.
